Fear, Honesty, and SLEEP

Jet lag is not easy.  I was mistaken.

My trip to So. Africa ('04) but arrived at dusk.  This time I arrived at dawn without meaningful sleep.  BIG difference.

Yesterday (my Saturday) sucked physically.  Sure, I slept some.  But not enough, not at the right times.  Up before dawn to write.  Then a nap at dawn. Awoke at 10h00 and was peckish.  See the Chickens post for details.

Then I grabbed some water, apples, chips, oreos, and toothpaste at a minimart.  RM 45.50...less than $10.

I read some Dortmunder (too unfocused for James Burke) and was very unsettled.  At 12:30pm I was in bed.

I was a wreck.

Frustration over not wanting to struggle with the breakfast place when it was full had cowed me.  Lack of sufficient sleep had completely affected me.  The NYT Mini had the word TANTRUM as an answer. 

I had worked so hard not to melt down  in NRT - a melt down is a Hallmark of autism.  In my years before my diagnosis I knew I wanted to explode so often but not why.  It took a lot to remain calm.  It cost a lot to fight yourself.

TANTRUM was not a sign, but it was a delayed "confirmation bias" for me.  I know how to avoid them. But I forget the cost of doing so.  And, when exhausted it's exponentially worse.

I hate my baseline anxiety issues.  But days like NRT are truly trying.  By 12:51pm yesterday I needed a reset.

I absolutely hate benzodiazaprenes.  I took one daily for 7 years.  Should not have. In June of '22 I started to come off the.  2 months of personal hell.  Physical pain and emotional anguish in excess.  I'll let you look up benzo withdraw land see how lucky I was.  I hope you never have to experience it.

The first time I tried to assemble a better mental health team I failed.  The psychopharmacology side was a pill mill. I told them I wanted to stay off benzos but they said I was agitated and needed them. Plus, they literally said "we're trying to write more looreve (24hr Ativan) this month."  I.e., there was a monetary incentive for them that came before my health.  I was given a 90 day supply in December '22.  I still have 10 days left.  I changed and have a much much better team now.

I had 11 before yesterday.

My mind whirled, my body itched (a big sign of anxiety for me), and I was completely on edge.

At 12:52 I took one.

At 6ish I woke up.

At 3am I woke up again.  I was not going to try the pre-dawn approach again.  I took my night meds,including an Ambien.

At 8am I awoke hungry.

Fitbit tallied 17:13 of sleep.  Not including the naps before noon. Include those and I was asleep for more than 20 hours yesterday.

I needed it.

I had breakfast and felt better.  Mee Goreeng - fried noodles.

Think spaghetti wok fried with sambal, onion, green onion, and topped with egg.  Think happy

I'm still tired - ambien has a 7 hour impact.  I'm going back to nap.

But I feel better.  MUCH much better.  And, I have much much more to write later.